Corporate

Can I ask you something?"

I think this may be an Americanism. In the midst of healthy, seemingly open conversation, the other person will stop to ask for an enquiry permit. It always throws me off, but I think it often has to do with the peculiarity of the conversation, and the fact that regularly accepted social norms of etiquette and restrain may not yet have been tested on the particular subject. Questions have usually abounded in the conversation, but something else is coming, and it needs a preface like that.

"What do you mean? Can I respond?"

For what is a question with such a prelude but nothing more than a doubtful statement, an admission of ignorance, a fear of painful learning? And what alternatives are out there? Suppose I say 'No' and turn the potential dismissal of that question straight into a complete rejection of the rights to enquiry itself. What happens then? Do you transfer curiosity over to me? Does that shy wonder become your ashamed secret?

"Oh, yea, nevermind, well..."

I am sorry I threw you off like that. I had been watching you play with your hair and fiddle with your hands as the train left the station. And I knew that the small talk was not going to persist if our eyes stayed intently focused on each other, with only sporadic stares out the window and through the real world, which jealously reminded us that it was still there. Still, I did not foresee the transitionary formality. We had just been asking everything of each other, without permission of train guars, bosses, or whoever that was who you mentioned was waiting for you at your stop. Yea, him. Oh, boyfriend, you say? I remember now. Lucky guy.

"Ask ahead."

I do mean it. Your original question was, in short, naive and out of place.

"Well, I was just going to say, do you think you are ever gonna go corporate?"

Hmm... is there anything from our conversation that hinted at you that such secretiveness was warranted for this question? Did you think that would offend me? I see you feel naked now, because I offer the killer, chilidish, pedantic smile that tells you I was in ESL class when you were playing the violin in Catholic school. The truth is I don't know what I could even offer them, if nothing more than validating their existence. I lecture you on how we should be safe enough to ask each other anything, and answer kindly that I do not plan my life too much in advance, at least not yet, and that I'll let you know if and when I do.

But I was lying, there are questions that we hold back sometimes. Here's mine:

"Are you scared of how I am judging you because I know how our lives are headed in different directions after we get off this train?"

Response not needed.